Saturday, June 28, 2008

Kill the soap suds.

Watch out, rant ahead.

What is it with erotic romance at the moment. Why is it necessary for every book to be riddled with shower scenes? It seems that if you want to write a contemporary setting at least a third of it will be spent in the shower!

Dear Editor, I sure did want to include the capture of a notorious jewel thief in my latest book, but the characters were too busy taking showers to fit in anything else besides sex, so I'm afraid the villain got clean away.

Why is it necessary for sex scenes to take the following format?

'Hm, we've just had hot sticky foreplay, but wait, I must now go shower.'

Back from shower & carefully towel dried.

Hot, bump and grind.

'Lo, I must now shower again.'

Down with bodily fluids!

'Okay, I'm back again. Oh, what, you're taking a bath now, shucks!'

The worst part of all this is that even the historicals have become infected by it...

After mucho unrequited love, and admission of mutual attraction the two guys finally get around to the smexing.

'Oh yeah, I've waited aeons to plough your tight little arse, and now we're really going to do this.'

'Yeah, bugger me. I'm really hot for you too.'

'Nah, I think we should hold off a bit longer (read about two hours) before jumping each other's bollocks, for lo, I am a bit sweaty after a hard day's mincing. First we must boil water on the fire (cause the servants have gone to bed) and thoroughly scrub ourselves.'


Quit with it, will you!

You know what, yes, bodies look great with water spilling down them, and showers and baths can be great taken together, but at least make it seem like it's appropriate to the plot, not the author's modern sensibilities intruding on the scene. Let's see some passion folks and forget about the fact that they might not have brushed their teeth recently/shaved their legs/vigourously scrubbed their fingernails. If they're that hot for each other do you really think the fact that they had garlic for lunch is going to stop them?

Okay, I want recommendations for razor hot books where the characters don't take any baths or showers! (And yes, I know I've written bath scenes.)


Portia Da Costa said...

Ooh, you've made me want to write a shower scene now, just for the hell of it! LOL

Saskia Walker said...

Oh dear! Yikes! I just completed a short that was totally about sex in the shower. The protag had a sexual attachment to the shower after hearing a couple shaggin' in there, does that count as enough plot?

Madelynne Ellis said...

That sounds pretty plot relevant to me. Also, the instances I'm talking about aren't sex in the shower, they're shower breaks purely for the purpose of being clean.

Saskia Walker said...

You've made me work back through my stories in my head now, looking for shower scenes! Mostly my characters seem to think showers and baths are for being dirty in. I'd hate to think what that says about them... okay, me. ;-)

LVLM(Leah) said...

In books I don't mind all the smexing without the shower or prior clean up. In fact, I rather like it because it's very freeing to think of going at it, if in that much heat, and being a bit "dirty" ;)

IRL, gagging from the smells of a full day of sweating can kill the mood in seconds for me. Ack! Take a shower first please...LOL

I blame it on living in Japan, a country that is bath crazy. It's a customary ritual for the man to bathe you before sex, so I got used to "clean" sex.

Sedonia Guillone said...

I have a shower wet guy fetish and I definitely have at least one shower scene in each book but thankfully, I've not had a complaint because I make sure it blends into the plot as seamlessly as possible. I enjoye writing those scenes so hopefully it comes through and doesn't feel forced.
Love the photos!!

Madelynne Ellis said...

I don't so much mind the sex in the showers thing, or even thinking about sex while taking a shower, it's the showers inserted purely for the purpose of making the characters sparkly that bug me. I swear in one novella I read the characters must have clocked up about 12 showers between them in story of about 25,000 words.

Did one of them have a shower fetish, you wonder?

If only.

Sedonia Guillone said...

I agree. As a writer, I can always tell when a scene is written as a showcase rather than a natural progression of events.

Kristina Lloyd said...

Ha ha, brilliant! Very funny.

Black Lace editorial added the line 'and I took a brief shower' just before a sex scene in Split. I think they thought there was a continuity error (there wasn't, honest) but the addition absolutely had to go because it read exactly as you've described here - ew! horrid bodies! Must sterilize before sex!

I love wet men but I also love sweaty, grimy bodies. A man is sexy when he smells of himself. Why would anyone want to fuck soap?