Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Advent Calender Day 22: Charlotte Stein Keeps on Giving

Yep, Charlotte is back. How could I possibly refuse her a second visit when she posts such delights as the Eric Northman comedy twirly penis hat? Answer: I couldn't. So I'll hand you over to Charlotte to tell us all about the things she'd like to hand out for Christmas. Oh, and there's a little present for her at the bottom too.

Things I’d Like To Give For Christmas

1. Something that the hubster actually wants. I mean, I know that men are hard to buy for. I’ve heard that familiar refrain. I’ve heard all my friends crying about the fact that their husbands will only tell them three things they want, and how they don’t know what else to get. But I just don’t have any sympathy because my fella won’t even tell me one thing that he wants. He’s like the box from Hellraiser version of Christmas. I have to press all over him until he springs open and reveals, like, “an alarm clock for my iPod”. Which is, frankly, very little return for my bloodied fingers and that dude over there with pins in his head telling me that he now owns my immortal soul.

2. An entire twenty-four episode, twelve series run of the new version of The A-Team. Complete with ridiculous storylines about saving South American villages from cowboys or whatever other bollocks they usually had, and all that rescuing they did of Murdock from loonybins, and you know, like, Murdock getting shot down in the middle of a forest and then building a new airplane out of one shoe and a bit of old tree. And of course, it has to have the actual cast from the movie, because God knows, that nobody Liam Neeson needs the work.

3. An entire twenty-four episode, twelve series run of the new version of Star Trek. Because I’m on a theme, okay, and talking about The A-Team made me remember how much I utterly adored the Star Trek reboot, and how much I can’t wait three years between each movie. Which is really just me saying that I want to see Spock Pon Farr. Come on. I know everybody else wants it, too. Can you imagine Zachary Quinto Spock freaking out and trying to have sex with everything that moves? And you know they’re never going to do it in any of the movies. Dammit.

4. The ability to play any Mario game to the hubster. He keeps falling in holes. It’s desperately pathetic to see. It’s like he forgets to jump. He just walks right into them. And it’s even worse around Christmas, because we have loads of time to play together (Heh. Dirty) and he’s got all the dexterity with a games pad as a monkey without thumbs. I have to help him by doing things like waiting at the side of a lava pit, so he can see that it’s dangerous. But sometimes he just runs right into it, anyway.

5. Christopher Pike his talent and dignity back. What happened, Chris? I used to live for your books. Now they’re riddled with silly inaccuracies and you turn into a whiny baby when some reviewer points that out. Bad Chris. No cookies for you.

6. Should I want to give something like world peace, here? I dunno. Everybody wants world peace, don’t they? Which is funny, because you’d think that if everyone wanted it, it’d be very easy to get. But I suppose it’s hard, when everyone hates each other.

7. I know. I’ll give everyone the ability to not hate each other. So someone spilt your coffee or said something dumb on the internet or tried to stop you being an absolute ass. It’s not the end of the world. Zombies appearing? That’s the end of the world. Call me when your Dad is eating your face.

P.S. In the spirit of giving, here is the link to my upcoming Ellora’s Cave release. It’s also called Giving, it’s very naughty femdom, and it’s out December 30th: 

Ahem, and now for that little pressie. Here you go, Charlotte. Merry Xmas with big smoochie kisses.

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